There's nothing sexier than a woman who lets her guard down in bed. "He loves when he can see and feel your body, and the biggest turnoff for him is your acting embarrassed," says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, a relationships advisor for Perfectmatch.com and author of Prime: Adventures and Advice on Sex, Love, and the Sensual Years. So create an environment where you can enjoy yourself—candles, lingerie, whatever you need to relax and feel beautiful. Trust us; he doesn't see the imperfections that women tend to zone in on—all he knows is that he loves your body.
According to a study at Brigham Young University, 87 percent of men have looked at some form of porn in the past year, and one in five checks out X-rated fare daily. That's probably not surprising to anyone, but what is shocking is how quickly men can become dependent on regular doses of erotic images. The arousal hormones the visuals trigger can become addictive.
If you feel erotic material is interfering with your relationship or he's using it to avoid something, you should confront the problem, says sex therapist Sandor Gardos, PhD. One tactic is to suggest watching erotica together. "It becomes compulsive when he feels like he has to hide it," says Gardos. But willingness to share his interest takes the compulsion out of the question. Viewing erotic images together may even enhance your sex life, say sex experts. Focus on genres that you prefer, which are likely to be films containing more storytelling and romance versus raw humping.
As much as a man likes to be in control, the bedroom is one place where he would like to see you take more control—and we don't mean by grabbing the TV remote. Be the one to initiate sex. When you take charge, you affirm your desire for him, something he needs both in and out of the bedroom. Take advantage of his notorious propensity for visual cues.
Outside of the bedroom, wear strapless dresses that flash a bit of flesh. Wear his boxers around the house. Leaving something to be imagined will drive him wild as men get turned on even more by what they can't see. Slip into the shower with him and soap him up. At a fancy dinner at a restaurant, clue him in to the fact that you're not wearing any underwear, and see how fast he finishes his crème brulee. When you are shifting from one sex position to another, take him into your mouth and look up at him for a few seconds, then turn around and offer him rear entry. These are just some secret desires we've heard from guys. We're sure you can think of many more.
Skip the Lady Gaga impersonation. "With so much explicit imagery in the media, too much exposure isn't seductive," says Robert W. Birch, PhD, a sex therapist. Instead, play a little hide-and-seek. Let your shirt fall from your shoulder, undo one more button, or wear a fitted blouse over a lacy bra and watch him ogle you all night long. "Allow the peep to appear unintentional," Birch says.
Men aren't the best mind readers. But they understand coaching, having spent years playing organized sports. So most of them respond well to feedback and direction. In fact, they would very much enjoy hearing what you'd like them to do to you in bed. If you're not really comfortable asking for specifics, take the pressure off by talking in generalities when you're not in bed. Once you're between the sheets, "turn requests into erotic expressions, not instructions," says Joy Davidson, PhD, a sex therapist in New York and author of Fearless Sex. "Saying 'Oh, do that slower,' isn't an order, it's sexy."
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